Ella's thoughts

I need to stop thinking for a while. Just... wait. Tomorrow, you can drink, forget, eat all you can. I won't die, sadly. The odds of me dying just from drinking alcohol are very low. I would only have brain damage, and my stomach washed or whatever they do in those cases. But I want to dissolve into christmas. The dinner. The drinks. The fruit salad. I can dress up, and be fancy. For no one to see. Just like I do every year. I can pretend everything's normal. And in a sense it is. I am alone, depressed and hopeless. Seems about right. Classical holidays for Ella Blomfeld. A part of me wishes one day for that yo change. But we know that's not going to happen. I won't ever have a happy holidays with people I love, while being healthy. It's unrealistic.

You want to be happy. I understand. No one can be happy besides me. I am a burden.

My best friend hasn't talked to me since friday. He probably hates me. It's okay.

All my pain is childish All my tears are lies All I wanted is your lips To say you still love me That is stuck in your brain As I search ways to end it all All my dreams are foolish All my friends are gone All your silence hurts me And the voices never stop The monster is always inside me Telling me I should be gone

It surprised me though. How easily, once I left home. Once I left my bedroom, I could hide my pain. You could never guess I spend two hours researching how to kill myself in the best possible way. And how I still think about it. And all the methods, possibilities, budgets, pros and cons. I wish dying was as easy as hiding myself is.

I went out yesterday, it wasn't good. And the streets were full of optimism. People giving "free hugs", mothers hugging their blessings. Everything was pristine. Except for me. I kept on swearing and I keep on walking, fast, through the crowd in my high heels. And it didn't make me feel better. I think it just replaced my sadness with irritation for a while. I talked to a lot of people yesterday. But I still feel anxious. And scared. That everyone I love will leave. I remember reading once, that loving people was giving them the power to destroy you. Whenever a stranger tries to hurt you, it can be meaningless, and to me it is. I laugh it off. But when I love, even the smallest of gestures, that I cannot comprehend, will destroy me. Because I love them and everything hurts. I wish I didn't love so strongly.

I want to be a child again I was so oblivious to the world around me I didn't need friends and my family loved me. And I loved them. Everything was easy. I had no worries. I was so happy I was so happy Even if they hurt me. Even if they left me alone. Because that was normal. So I was happy.