Post 12/22


I went out yesterday, it wasn't good. And the streets were full of optimism.
People giving "free hugs", mothers hugging their blessings. Everything was pristine. Except for me.
I kept on swearing and I keep on walking, fast, through the crowd in my high heels.
And it didn't make me feel better. I think it just replaced my sadness with irritation for a while.
I talked to a lot of people yesterday.
But I still feel anxious.
And scared. That everyone I love will leave.
I remember reading once, that loving people was giving them the power to destroy you. Whenever a stranger tries to hurt you, it can be meaningless, and to me it is. I laugh it off. But when I love, even the smallest of gestures, that I cannot comprehend, will destroy me. Because I love them and everything hurts.
I wish I didn't love so strongly.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

12/23 IV

I need to stop thinking for a while. Just... wait. Tomorrow, you can drink, forget, eat all you can. I won't die, sadly. The odds of me dying just from drinking alcohol are very low. I would only have brain damage, and my stomach washed or whatever they do in those cases. But I want to dissolve into christmas. The dinner. The drinks. The fruit salad. I can dress up, and be fancy. For no one to see. Just like I do every year. I can pretend everything's normal. And in a sense it is. I am alone, depressed and hopeless. Seems about right. Classical holidays for Ella Blomfeld. A part of me wishes one day for that yo change. But we know that's not going to happen. I won't ever have a happy holidays with people I love, while being healthy. It's unrealistic.
Read more

12/22 II

He stopped talking to me Maybe something happened Or maybe he hates me And I did something wrong And it's my fault No one wants to be friends with someone broken.
Read more